Divine Calm: Tick...tick.

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11.16.2005

Tick...tick.

I have a confession to make. I want babies...like yesterday. My biological clock is ticking like the clock in the crocodile's belly in Peter Pan. Tick...tick...TICK! (By the way, my boyfriend already knows this and hasn't run away. Good sign.)

This whole clock phenomenon completely unnerves me. I'm still young and have time before I start a family. However, I feel like my body is trying to thwart all of my career goals with the desire to have kids. Let me make myself clear, I am all about female empowerment, but I have some reservations about a woman's ability to have it all (meaning career and kids) without losing her sanity. My mother, who taught me that women can do anything including fixing the toilet, also told me that you can have it all, just not at the same time. I believe her.

I think that I would make a fantastic lawyer, if I say so myself. I think that my bulldog tendencies and ability to think outside the box would enable me to get things done for people where others have failed. I want to go to law school. However, children make me melt a little inside. I also feel I would be a good mom and would be fulfilled in ways that I haven't even fathomed yet.

As you are probably aware, I tutor kindergarteners in reading and writing skills. Volunteering isn't the accurate way to describe what I do for the two little girls, because they give more to me than I give to them. I live for reading to them in different cartoon-like voices, and their mental growth as students fascinates me and makes me proud. I am constantly trying to hold myself back from giving them hugs and cuddling them due to the tutoring rules. When the girls get up to leave and barely say goodbye to me, my heart hurts a little. Aren't I pathetic?

So where does all of this yearning to be a lawyer and have children leave me? I don't know. However, I do know that I will make a decision with lots of freaking out along the way. I just wish I could find the snooze button on this damn biological clock.

Category: Freaking Out