Divine Calm: My Phantom

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12.15.2005

My Phantom

I wrapped my coat and scarf around me a little tighter as I waited for the cramped elevator to arrive and take me to my car. Looking down at a wilting office plant and trying not to make eye contact with the people standing too close to me, I started comparing myself to an old phantom of mine. He judged me so easily without ever really knowing my true gifts or who I am, yet I feel sympathy for his lack of clarity. He had little insecurities crowding his perception and ridiculing his actions. These insecurities encouraged his frenzied yelling and character-reducing jabs at whomever was nearby. In my loyalty, I was always nearby.

My phantom's brilliant moments encouraged me to stay until I understood that they were only tape holding together shards of character. I wish I could say that when I had outgrown my illusion of a role model, I left. Instead, I stayed and bitterness mirroring my phantom's percolated in my own frazzled mind. I lost faith in myself. I forgot my self-worth. Every now and then, a little bit of myself defiantly reminded me that I was better than my phantom, but I didn't listen and grew more frustrated.

Now as I am standing in the elevator bank ready to drive home, my head feels lighter and less burdened. I am no longer with my phantom and have fully grasped how horrid he was to me. His taunts reducing my normally strong-will to uncertainty are now hollow words reflecting his self-worth rather than mine. As I step into the elevator, I have another revelation that my phantom was intimidated by my youth and capabilities, hence why he had to try to hide them from me through insults. I am no longer hidden. He no longer haunts me.