Divine Calm: Looking Beyond Your Nose

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2.15.2006

Looking Beyond Your Nose

Lately, I feel as if the world has opened up for my exploring, but not necessarily for my taking. Don't get me wrong, my naivete isn't leading me to think that "the world is my oyster," rather, I am allowing myself to view life in ways I haven't imagined it. And, gulp, I've begun to believe I might have an overall happy life (mixed with the occasional heartache of course).

Until recently, I have been recovering from a difficult childhood and my subsequent reactions to it. I have struggled to put myself through school only to find my chosen career after college renders frustration and disillusionment. Thankfully, I've realized this at the age of 27 and am willing to make a change instead of barging down a path guaranteed to end in regret.

For the last three years, my brain has been parched for an unknown drink. I have yearned for mental stimulation and surfed the web, read novels, and participated in book clubs hoping to find something satisfying. I have salsa danced, watched movies, drank fancy mojito cocktails, and listened to jazz bands. For hours, I have read information regarding the psychology of the criminal mind, potential graduate programs, and websites geared toward career placement help. I have even distracted my thirst while hanging out in large groups of friends until the wee hours of the morning. Unfortunately, the friendly chatter only reinforced my need to figure out what I was missing in life.

I was missing creativity, the act of creating.

For a long time, I've been belittling my talent by thinking I was better suited to be an audience member instead of a creator. So far, my career focus has been to make enough money to support myself while helping others and, in turn, living comfortably. With maturity, I realize I can still have a well-paying job while fostering creative growth on the side. Who knows? Perhaps I will be able to incorporate the two. I'm not trying to portray myself as the next Da Vinci or Faulkner, but how will I know my capabilities without stretching myself beyond my comfortable stasis?

I have been anxiety-ridden for almost all of my life, and I am beginning to realize this denial of my innate creativity has been fueling my palpitations. As the cliche goes, there's just something that's dying to get out. Ha! Nevermind the fact that I don't know the exact details for how to allow that something out.

So I don't have a crystallized plan, but I am delving into new ways to express myself. And, dammit, it's a relief. Some of my more frequent readers might be wondering if I made the decision to attend law school, and the answer is a resounding no. I'm not a detail person, but more importantly, it's just not for me. I could do it and be good at it, but my gut feeling is that I would not be as good at it as I would be doing something else. You might say that "being good" shouldn't be the main driver for my career choice, but my ego demands it and I'm no longer going to suppress it.

In the short term, I am reaffirming my love for the written word (otherwise known as "reading and writing like crazy") and am critically analyzing how writers write. I am also planning on taking a graduate communications/marketing/writing course and a photography class once I move to Chicago. Lastly, I have a few other things in the works, which I rather not discuss here. I'm in an exploring mode and want to travel and better understand how people different from myself live.

Perhaps all of my musings sound rather grandiose and ridiculous. But I don't care, because I am excited for the first time in a long time. Finally, I see possibilities instead of dead-ends.

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